when my dad was in college he had a friend who told a girl he’d take her on a date unlike any other she’d ever been on and so he took her to the supermarket to watch the lobsters fighting in the lobster tank
they’re married now
This boy at Target asked if I would hold his hand because his ex girlfriend just walked in with a new guy, so naturally I felt bad and held his hand while strolling around Target for a bit. Then it donned on me, with no other couple in sight, that was the best damn pick up line ever pulled.
"you’re an adult now"
"you need to choose a career"
"you need to make your own doctor’s appointment"
Becoming a cold hearted bitch wasn’t really what I planned to do with my life but here I am
last night i dreamed that scientists used a really bad picture of me to prove humans are closely related to goats and i was so insulted i woke up
FEELING LIKE YOU BOTHER THE ONLY PERSON YOU WANT TO TALK TO IS REALLY SHITTY
If you command me to do something that I was already planning on doing the chances of me doing that thing automatically drop to zero
i hit my coworkers shoulder lightly and he was like “you’re going to make me cry like a girl” and i was like “what’s wrong with being a girl?” and he was quiet for a moment then he looked into the distance and whispered “the social standards they’re forced to live by”
Bitch please, I can totally match Ariana Grande’s vocal range. Just throw a cockroach at me